Animal Penises Are Super Weird
One of the great things about nature is that everything in it—dogs, flowers, snakes, whales, ants, jellyfish, crabs, toucans, everything—is either eating or trying to fuck at all times. Of the uncountable billions of organisms populating our planet, millions and millions of them are getting it on at this very second. P’s are going into V’s, eggs are being fertilized, the circle of life continues.
You probably didn’t learn very much about the sex lives of animals in school because your poor science teachers had enough to worry about without saying the words “elephant cock” in front of a room of teenagers. But animal sex and the evolved features of animal sex organs are often wonderful things, and there’s no reason that today’s young people shouldn’t learn about the tiny—and sometimes startlingly large—wonders that are animal penises.
So we got some of our contributors together and wrote about animal dicks. If you are excited to learn more about animal sex, we encourage you to watch Isabella Rossellini’s Green Porno series. Or just go to the park and see if you can catch squirrels fucking.
Photo via Flickr user jimg944
Did you emerge from the head of your father’s dick as a fully formed baby? Congratulations, you’re probably a sea horse. Sea-horse females impregnate males during one-night stands and leave them to foster their young without so much as paying child support, like a Beyoncé song in reverse.
Courtship begins when the female and male start scraping their tails along the sea floor. (Hot!) The male has his head tucked into his chest the entire time because he’s a little pussy bitch. The female circles around him, forcing him to pay attention to her colors. Then she grabs him with her tail and penetrates him. (Yesssss…) They swim face to face, locked together, as she excretes up to 600 eggs into his brood pouch. Then she fucks off forever.
After just a few weeks, the male undergoes contractions and finally blasts a bunch of miniature sea horses out of his little sea-horse dick.
“Friendship bear and chimpanzee ~ Unexpected friendships have a couple of guests Zoo Myrtle Beach Safari park, South Carolina, USA. The five-month grizzly bear named Bam Bam and chimpanzees Wali play and grow up together, enthralling visitors to the park. As soon as the friends grow up, they will go into the natural habitat: Bam Bam in North America, and the Wali in the jungle of southern Africa. Photos by Barry Bland/Rex Features
Bad Hair Day at the Alpaca Farm ~ The alpacas are always shorn in spring, to make the animals more comfortable for the summer. Photo: REUTERS/Michaela Rehle viaThe Daily Beast by Wanda Goodwin